I feel like I have so much to say and nothing all at the same time.

Mostly I’m lonely,  I have a lot of friends but I’m lonely.  I feel like I can’t talk to anyone. Like I have no trust in people anymore.

I’m going to a friend’s wedding on the weekend,  I’m the maid of honor? Always thought that meant you had to be married to do that  role,  so I’m going to call it had bridesmaid.

I have no plus one,  I’ve no got someone who loves me like that. I feel empty and behind the pack,  I always wanted to be young without these signs of age for my wedding photos and now I just feel like this is me. Alone not quite good enough for that love for that person.  That I need to get used to this lonely.

I’ve always put my all into relationships and never gotten anything back for it,  just told I’m wrong. I’m over being wrong,  I’m over not being good enough. So now I say very little I’m growing more quiet and not speaking my mind.  I’m sick of my house I want my space I want my rules.  I want to be lonely alone at least then I wouldn’t feel like this.  Then I could be not good enough in my own space.

I want to be happy again but it’s not that simple.  I want to say so many things but it’s not worth the backlash.

Thanks all for now this would be so much easier with a keyboard.

MissKita xx

I need to bitch. I need to moan.

S1 (sister) she’s driving me mental, I live with her and BIL. They’ve not long left the comforts of home life with parents and I’m struggling with their way of life. Apparently they have areas that they clean, like divided out. The kitchen isn’t her space, BIL is on kitchen duty apparently.  Before I moved in he cooked and cleaned the kitchen.  Now I do most of that. Last night S1 decided she was going to cook for the second time since I’ve been here in 5 months.  She was bitching  there was no bench space as dishes hadn’t been done yet, I always do dishes and clean down the kitchen before I prepare a meal. So I pointed that out to her, I said to her this is why I always start with a clean kitchen. The response I got was intense, rude even.  She with a huge attitude said, I don’t do dishes I don’t touch breakfast bowls they are disgusting, I kinda laughed and said it’s not that bad I’ve cleaned up worse than breakfast bowls from this kitchen.  Apparently that sparked so kind of crazy in her and I was out in my place about ‘areas’ again.

That leads me to, today.

I went about doing housework, dishes vacuuming spider webs. As I don’t do areas I do house! House needs cleaning it gets done. Today I was angry to find a bowl of my sisters hair, a bowl on the kitchen bench full of her hair and a comb. So much for yuck breakfast bowls with little bits of milk.  Today I cleaned my sister hair bowl up because it was there and needed doing.

And then this leads to my struggle of the day,  this women always has an answer a rude come back something nasty, I want to have it out with her.  I put all the rubbish in the binsame sorry the dartboard and tale of all the recycling because they leave it everywhere without a care,  I clean all of this up for them without a thank you.  If I mention it I’m bound to be blasted about being wrong,  because I’m always wrong in fact I’ve probably cleaned wrong or about to cook them the wrong dinner too.

So I bite my tongue, but I’m tired, I’m broken and I’m feeling like I am good enough for everything that is under my precious S1 because she is to good to even clean up after herself, she doesn’t even put her own shoes on BIL was called in this morning to put her shoes on for her!

So I’m trapped in this hell hole, being Cinderella ffs

I want to cry, but I’m not even good enough for them as they rarely happen. I miss my life my space my kids.

Done for now,  that small part over hair in a bowl is out now.

MissKita xx

I’ve been through so much in the last year,  I’ve been torn to pieces. I want to let some of that out here. I can’t say it will all be positive, but I’m hopeful it will be helpful.

I’m going to start with a wish list,  of things for myself and ones around me.

• Happiness
• To be a good mother
• To not be lonely
• To hold my tongue, more often
• To control my anger
• To not put my expectations on others
• To make it to important events for my children
• To be there for the people around me
• To have enough money to do right by my children
• To be able to be loved
• To be good enough for myself
• To let my caught play netball that she wants to do so badly
• To remove negativity from my life
• To listen to my children when they need to speak
• To be there to catch them when they fall
• To be fair and understanding
• To be someone they can be proud of
• To find my strength for myself
• To work on my health and maintain it
• To be good enough for myself
• To continue to stay sober
• To do right by myself and those around me
• To get back on my feet
• To have peace in my soul
• To find genuine love
• To breath in all the moments of life
• To always forgive but not necessarily forget
• To remember hate only hurts the one hating
• let out the negativity but careful where and who to
• To dance more often
• Believe in myself
• To enjoy life as much as possible

Seems typical but I’ve not always thought this way.  I need to change things.

In the last 9 months my world has been shook, 2 of my babies taken away from me for doing something I stupid. I’ve fallen into a world of mental health that I’ve tried to mask for many years.  I’m sitting in the bottom of a dark pit, and I need to use my good days to pull my dark ones up.

For all my life I’ve been told I’m wrong about everything,  how I feel, how I cut the potatoes etc…. and I believe these things. Even to this day I don’t patent right I don’t do enough the way I do it is wrong.  Everything gets blurry sometimes, I feel emotionless I feel useless. I’ve let down a lot of people in my life and I never know if I’ll be good enough for any of them or if I’m even good enough for myself.

I want to be good enough.

I want to not be scared.

I want to dance like no one is watching me, it makes me happy.

This is probably boring and going on and on.  I don’t understand how this is meant to work but, I’m just going to use it to get me out. The good the bad the ugly.  I need to be able to vent with out upsetting anyone.  Napping my days away isn’t enough now.

I’m going to leave this here and start again tomorrow.

MissKita xx

Welcome to Blogtown NZ. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!