I’ve been through so much in the last year,  I’ve been torn to pieces. I want to let some of that out here. I can’t say it will all be positive, but I’m hopeful it will be helpful.

I’m going to start with a wish list,  of things for myself and ones around me.

• Happiness
• To be a good mother
• To not be lonely
• To hold my tongue, more often
• To control my anger
• To not put my expectations on others
• To make it to important events for my children
• To be there for the people around me
• To have enough money to do right by my children
• To be able to be loved
• To be good enough for myself
• To let my caught play netball that she wants to do so badly
• To remove negativity from my life
• To listen to my children when they need to speak
• To be there to catch them when they fall
• To be fair and understanding
• To be someone they can be proud of
• To find my strength for myself
• To work on my health and maintain it
• To be good enough for myself
• To continue to stay sober
• To do right by myself and those around me
• To get back on my feet
• To have peace in my soul
• To find genuine love
• To breath in all the moments of life
• To always forgive but not necessarily forget
• To remember hate only hurts the one hating
• let out the negativity but careful where and who to
• To dance more often
• Believe in myself
• To enjoy life as much as possible

Seems typical but I’ve not always thought this way.  I need to change things.

In the last 9 months my world has been shook, 2 of my babies taken away from me for doing something I stupid. I’ve fallen into a world of mental health that I’ve tried to mask for many years.  I’m sitting in the bottom of a dark pit, and I need to use my good days to pull my dark ones up.

For all my life I’ve been told I’m wrong about everything,  how I feel, how I cut the potatoes etc…. and I believe these things. Even to this day I don’t patent right I don’t do enough the way I do it is wrong.  Everything gets blurry sometimes, I feel emotionless I feel useless. I’ve let down a lot of people in my life and I never know if I’ll be good enough for any of them or if I’m even good enough for myself.

I want to be good enough.

I want to not be scared.

I want to dance like no one is watching me, it makes me happy.

This is probably boring and going on and on.  I don’t understand how this is meant to work but, I’m just going to use it to get me out. The good the bad the ugly.  I need to be able to vent with out upsetting anyone.  Napping my days away isn’t enough now.

I’m going to leave this here and start again tomorrow.

MissKita xx